


Welcome to the Gun Show

by Locastil



Category: Southland Crew
Genre: Blood and Gore, Crack, Excessive Nose Bleeds, Maccas, Other, Projectile Explosive Breasts, The Stare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-06 15:59:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5423174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Locastil/pseuds/Locastil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a world where no king is safe, a group of five are destined to defend their ruler. With the help of young Sel, the valiant king's guards go on a mystical journey to find the whereabouts of their king. Can they find the king in time to prevent a disastrous war with the evil West Lakes kingdom?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Welcome to the Gun Show

“I’m the captain!” A sigh could be heard from the King’s knights. This conversation had played one too many times. The knights could only hope that this time it ended without the two being ready to get at each other’s throat.

“Uh. Wrong. I’m the captain!” The expected response came.

“Wrong. I. Am.”

“Why should you be the captain?” Fox questioned, standing closer to tower over Nomi.

“Because I’m a prince!” Nomi scoffed, giving the youkai a challenging stare.

Fox crossed his arms, “Oh yeah? Who took down that rabid gorilla last year by themselves?”

Nomi began to laugh, “It wasn’t rabid.” They stated. “It was just retarded. Why do you think the villagers called it ‘Danky Kang’?” Fox’s glare was met with smirk.

“Ash,” The ginger haired fox turned towards Ash, giving them a pleading look, “Tell Nomi that I’m the captain.”

Ash shrugged as they twirled their blonde ponytail around their index finger, “I’m staying out of this.”

“Bisby! Come on!” Nomi whined.

“What does it even matter who is captain?” Valerian asked, raising a dark blonde eyebrow. He just wanted the two to get over this so he wouldn’t have to endure this conversation again in the near future. He regretted the question when he received a fierce look from both Fox and Nomi.

“It matters because—” Nomi began.

The dark wooden door to the Knight’s common room swung open as short, black haired girl ran into the room. Her usual calm demeanour absent.

“I can’t find King Delmo! Guys!” the girl said in a quiet panicked voice. She frantically looked at the group lounging about the room.

Fox moved towards the panicking girl, kneeling and grabbing her shoulders to get their scattered attention “What’s going on, Sel? Why do you need King Delmo?”

“The representatives of the West Lakes kingdom are due to be here within the hour! King Delmo is supposed to meet with them today,” Sel worried her bottom lip between her teeth in a nervous habit.

Ash sighed, not bothering to look up or move from where he was draped across the couch, “Did you check the private Royal Maccas?”

“Yes,” she cried out. Sel rubbed at her face in exhaustion, frowning. “And they haven’t seen him all day!”

Nomi frowned, “West Lakes…They’re assholes that have been threatening to attack us, right?”

Ash nodded and stood up. They stretched out their arms before turning towards Sel, “Well guys, let’s go find the King Crab before he brings war down on our heads.” The knights agreed as they began to prepare themselves to search for their missing King.

Fox pulled his long hair up into a ponytail, carefully avoiding his furry orange ears. The other four quickly got their equipment together. Fox turned to the smaller girl who had calmed down significantly from her dramatic entrance.

“You going with us, Sel?” Fox asked, glancing at the much shorter girl.

Sel nodded, standing up straighter. “It’s my responsibility to keep up with his majesty. I want to help.”

Ash, overhearing the conversation between the two, walked over and bent down to buckle his black boots. “You may want to wear more than that then.” Ash nodded towards Sel’s pastel green and dark blue robes as well as her light blue shawl. “That’s not nearly enough to protect you.” He stood back up and nodded at Fox when they made eye contact.

Sel blinked rapidly and looked down, “Wha-? Oh! I’ll be fine!” She brushed off the green eyed male’s concern.

Ash stared at Sel for a moment before shrugging, “Alright. Where should we check first?” Ash glanced at the rest of the group.

“Isn’t this when he’d normally take the royal dogs for a walk?” Valerian asked with a bored look, flicking imaginary dirt from under his fingernails. 

Fox rubbed at his temple, “Isn’t King Delmo supposed to have one of us with him on his walks?” he asked slightly irritated.

“King Delmo is supposed to do a lot of stuff, but I don’t think his highness really gives a shit,” Nomi snorted, brushing a hand through wavy, Aquamarine Mermaid Blue hair.

Ash smirked, “Yeah, remember what he said last time I tried to go with him?” Ash began to imitate the King’s voice, “‘I’m the manliest man. I don’t need no protection.’ And then he put his sunnies on and left the room.”

Valerian’s mouth fell open as he looked at Ash with raised eyebrows, “I don’t think it went that way.” 

Ash nodded, “Totally did.” The rest of the Knights nodded, agreeing.

The blond demigod went to respond, but was interrupted by a whispering voice, “The longer we stay here, the more likely we will find the king in a pool of his own blood.”

Everyone in the room froze, slowly turning to look at the overly pale, brunette.

“Jesus Christ, Nar,” Nomi muttered to the quiet knight. Nar shrugged, turning to Sel and giving her a look as if to remind her to stay on topic.

“No! She’s right. Let’s hurry!” Sel said, nodding to thank Nar. Sel took off out of the room, guiding the guards out of their common room.

 

The forest was blooming with life, green and colourful. The Knights and little Sel entered the forest walking along the trail. There were animal prints all over the King’s usual trail that he used to walk his beloved dogs.

“How quickly can we make it through this trail and back?” Sel asked as she checked her watch for the hundredth time since leaving the castle.

Fox glanced at Sel who was walking behind him along with the other Knights, “With my legs? Fifteen minutes. With yours? May take thirty,” Fox smirked, standing twenty-five and a half centimeters taller than Sel.

“Hey, fuck off, giant,” Nomi said, being eighteen centimeters shorter than Fox. Fox gave Nomi a grin as they kept walking.

The group walked in silence and Valerian found himself once again, looking over Nomi’s pink and white kimono for any lumps or bulges. Having enough of his guessing, he broke the silence. “Hey, Nomi,” he started, “You still haven’t answered my question.” Nomi internally groaned knowing what was coming next. “What’s your gender?”

Nomi scoffed, and looked back at Valerian who was at the end of the Knights, “Nomi has no gender. Nomi has both genders. Nomi is all.”

At Valerian’s confused look and silence, Fox snorted, “Nomi is Nomi gendered.” It was common knowledge to the group, but the demigod just refused to accept it.

Valerian’s nose scrunched before he rolled his eyes, “Fine. Whatever. I’ll find out eventually.”

 

The Knights continued on in silence, keeping an ear out for distress noises and an eye out for any evidence of their King, Delmo. After a few minutes, Fox’s ears twitched and he turned to where they heard many quiet voices chattering. Ash stopped, motioning the others to pause as well. “Sel, who else could be in these woods?”  he asked quietly.

Sel chewed on her bottom lip as her eyebrows furrowed, “There aren’t supposed to be any others in the Royal Forest.” Sel reminded, “But it could be robbers or…non-human creatures.” She added the last part as a second thought.

“What the fuck do you mean, non-human creatures?” Nomi hissed. “Be specific!”  Fox glared at Nomi’s outburst.

Sel nervously ran her fingers through her ponytail, “Like…you know…unicorns and stuff.”

“I doubt unicorns talk,” Valerian scoffed.

Fox and Ash looked at each other and then towards the location the voices were coming from. Careful not to make too much noise to tip off the intruders, they moved low to the ground and snuck forward. Four short and bulky grey skinned creatures came into view.

“Are those…trolls?” Fox whispered. The Knights watched as three of the creatures were cutting a tree down with axes.

“I believe so…and they’re hacking trees,” Ash whispered back.

Fox looked over at Ash in disbelief, “Why?”

Ash gave Fox a dry look, “Would you like me to ask why?” they asked mockingly.

Fox paused for a moment, “Yeah, actually, I would” Fox smirked.

An annoyed huff was heard behind them and Ash and Fox turned to see Nomi standing up. “Oh my god. Screw this,” Nomi pushed through, having had enough of this stalling, and charged into the clearing where the creature’s stood. “Hey! Little shits!” Nomi called grabbing their attention. “What are you doing here? And have you seen a king around here?” Nomi asked, arms crossed over their chest. The knights emerged from the bushes to stand alongside Nomi. Ash grabbed Sel’s arm and shook their head, motioning her to stay behind.

The biggest and most grotesque of the creatures stepped forward as the other three immediately turned towards the group. “Fuck you!” the troll screeched. “I’m Weeen! And you’re lookin at em.”

Nomi raised an eyebrow and snorted, “Looking at what? A king of the trolls?”

Weeen glowered, “Yeah. Fuck you.”

Nomi rolled their eyes, “Yeah. Ok. Whatever you say. I meant have you seen King Delmo? Human looking. Black, short hair. About 170 cm?”

Weeen bared his teeth, “Fuck you. Delmo’s a faggot and so are you!” The rest of the night could sense a fight and readied their stances.

“I swear to god,” Nomi growled, rolling up their pink kimono sleeve and taking a step forward.

An arm quickly stopped Nomi before they could attack. Nomi glanced over to look into Nar’s black eyes, “Nar?”

Nar shook her head, “Let me handle this,” she said quietly. Nomi frowned throwing a glare at Weeen before nodding at Nar. The rest of the trolls stood their ground and watched as the tall female defuse Nomi and take over the situation. Before any of the trolls knew what happened, Nar’s body phased out and disappeared before appearing in front of Ween as she grabbed him by the throat.

“Listen here you period stain.” Her grip tightened, and Weeen coughed. “You’re going to tell us if you’ve seen King Delmo, or I’m going to rip you limb from limb and bathe in your red essence,” she hissed at him.

Weeen’s eyes widened and he squeaked as he looked frantically over at the other three trolls, “A-t-tack!” he managed to get out a command.

The three hacker trolls launched themselves at Nar, striking out with their axes. Nar dropped Ween as she disappeared once more, appearing behind the trolls. Fox drew his katana, blocking an axe that flew towards his face. He swiftly moved forward and slashed the thrower’s neck. Its head rolled on the grass. Valerian leaped into the middle of the fight. He released a fire attack at one of the trolls, evaporating it immediately.

With two down and one to go Nar smirked at the last hacker troll. She pressed a finger to one nostril and blocked it off. “Die!” she yelled before a stream of acidic blood shot from her nose. The blood struck the troll in the face, melting its flesh to the bone.

Weeen looked at the knights in a panic. “Fuck you!” It’s annoying voice cried out. With one last attempt to win he aimed his axe at Nar’s face and charged.

“HEY ASSHOLE!” Nomi’s voice rang through the field. Weeen stumbled over his feet and stopped, looking over at Nomi, “Fuck you!” It screeched again turning to Nomi and charging again.

“Oh yeah? Well, EAT THIS!” Nomi yelled. They opened their kimono and two pointy breasts removed themselves and flew towards Weeen. Weeen’s eyes opened in shock. The king troll opened its mouth to shout another profanity but before any sound could escape the projectile breasts exploded on impact.

“God dammit!” Valerian shouted in exasperation, as he looked back at Nomi’s form right as they re-tied their kimono.

“Nomi is Nomi, bro,” Nomi said, with a shrug. Valerian sighed.

Ash snorted and shook his head. He stood up straight, walking away from the tree he had been leaning on.

“Thanks for the help, Ash,” Valerian gave them an annoyed look.

“Hey. I was protecting Sel.” Sel gave an awkward wave from behind Ash. “Besides, you guys had it,” Ash glanced around the bloody clearing.

“King Delmo must not have come this way. Thankfully,” Sel said. She made a mental note to send someone out to clean up this mess so King Delmo wouldn’t happen upon it.

Fox nodded, sheathing his sword, “These guys would have definitely seen him, and I really don’t think they knew anything,”

Ash kicked the severed head and turned to look at the group, “Yeah. Let’s go check the town.

He’s not here, but I think I know where he is.”

 

“You know girls, I normally charge people for tickets, but for you? Well I’ll let you see for free” The group of women stared in anticipation, “WELCOME TO THE GUN SHOW!” Delmo flexed, showing off his arms. The gaggle of girls around him giggled and felt of his arms. “I know, right? Super manly,” Delmo smirked as the women continued to faun over him.

The group of Knights could only gape at their king as they stood in the doorway of the pub. “Jesus Fucking Christ,” Ash muttered and rubbed at their temple.

            “Of all the places why didn’t I suggest checking the town pub first?”  The demigod sighed looking at their king as he continued to flex.

“That’s beautiful,” Nomi snorted.

Fox just shook his head and took a step forward before stopping. Four men now surrounded Delmo.

“Hey! We don’t take kindly to your type around here,” one of the men said.

King Delmo turned around on his stool, one eyebrow raised, “What type? Super fucking manly?”

The men growled, looking ready to strike. Nomi, Fox, and Ash, were already moving to stop the men, but Nar stopped them. They gave her a confused look, but she just nodded back at King Delmo. The knights watched as their king proceeded to narrow his eyes and give them…The Stare.

Ash, Nomi, Fox, Valerian, and Sel watched in wonder as the four men kneeled in front of the king. Their jaws and fists clenched. It was only a matter of time now.

            “What.is.this?” one grit out.

            King Delmo stayed silent, but continued to stare. The women still on his manly arms.

One of the men started to shake. He grabbed his head. “I CAN’T HANDLE THIS!” he screamed before his skull exploded for the intensity. Blood, brain matter, and other viscera flew everywhere.

Before any more damage could be done, Fox launched forward, grabbing King Delmo and throwing him over his shoulder muttering an apology for his actions. Ash threw some gold coins on the bar, “THIS IS FOR HIS TAB. THANKS.”

 

The Kings Knights and Sel rushed from the pub, heading back to the castle. King Delmo pounded at Fox’s back, “Let me go! I’m too manly to be carried! Fox!”

“I’m sorry, King Delmo. I’ll let you down when we get to the castle,” Fox said, continuing on.

Finally, the group arrived at the castle. Fox set Delmo down in front of his bedroom.

“Sir! Please. You need to change and get to the meeting with West Lakes representatives!” Sel urged.

King Delmo sighed dramatically and rolled his shoulder blades together, “Do I have to?”

“Sir…please…” Sel begged.

King Delmo looked at Sel for a moment before sighing again, “Alright. Alright. Let me change.” King Delmo entered his chambers and the group sighed in relief.

 

Thirty minutes later the King’s Knights peered between the doors to the meeting room. They had just managed to get King Delmo inside the room after having stopped him from trying to escape once more.

King Delmo walked to the front of the table his crown high on his head. The table was large and on each side sat two representatives for the King of West Lakes. He looked around at each of the representatives, his posture straight, regal, and manly. The king of Southland readied his voice.

“In regards to the letter from your king,” King Delmo started and took a pause. The guards brought along by the representatives stood on edge as he reached under the table. Out from under the table King Delmo pulled out a pair of teal and polka dotted sunnies. Putting them on, King Delmo cleared his throat, “Go fuck yourselves.” With that, King Delmo walked backwards out of the room as he flipped the West Lakes’ representatives off.

As King Delmo emerged the Knights all looked at each other in horror, and then at King Delmo who just smirked, “Come on. Let’s go to Macca’s.”

Sel and the five Knights just stared at Delmo for a moment. Finally, Ash shrugged and followed after King Delmo. The rest of the group was not far behind.

 


End file.
